Pathology results

I spoke with my OB yesterday, the pathology results were back in. My placenta was normal, one spot of degeneration, but she said that was probably post miscarriage and not a factor. Dominic was chromosomally normal, 46xy (male). He did have a clubbed right foot, but that had nothing to do with the miscarriage. So, basically, no obvious reason why his heart stopped beating.

I see my OB on the 25th for a "post-partum" check, and they'll run some tests on me to make sure there's nothing wrong on my end. But, she said in 60% of cases, they never find a reason for the miscarriage.

Not having a concrete answer doesn't really bother me. Sometimes things just happen, and I accept that. My biggest concern was a hereditary genetic problem, or something that could have been prevented/happen again. That doesn't appear to be the case, so that's a relief. Emotionally though I'm not in a place to get pregnant again any time soon. I feel like I need to get past his due date before I can even think about it.

Stabat Mater

The memorial for the unborn babies that Dominic was included in was on Saturday. It was very touching, and very emotional. My husband and I have been together for 10 years, and it was the first time I've seen him cry (I've seen him tear up before, but never actually cry). I'm glad we went, we took the girls and my mom and my husband's aunt both came, too. It was difficult but it will be nice to have a place to visit.

I've been struggling the last few days with regrets. I wish I had taken a picture of Dominic. I saw him, but only briefly, and I feel like I'm already losing his little face in my memory and it's being replaced with "generic fetal image" in my mind and I hate that. I regret hoping he was going to be another little girl. I never had a desire to have a son, but of course now that's all I want. I keep dreaming about little boys and it seems like I can't get away from the pain, even in my sleep.

The Sorrowful Mother is a devotion I've always been drawn to, but of course it has particular meaning to me now. The Blessed Virgin knows better than anyone the pain of losing a son. I know her mantle is wrapped around me, and I know both my children in Heaven are under her tender care, and that brings me some comfort.