Update

Please don't feel obligated to read this, there are graphic descriptions of second trimester loss. But it's our baby's birth so I feel like I need to write it and have it out there. My body didn't make it to the d&c I had scheduled for this morning and I ended up miscarrying the baby in my bathroom.



Monday morning I went to the OB at 9am for my appointment and told them about the bleeding and cramping. Dr. S tried to find the baby's heartbeat on the doppler but couldn't. The static-y silence was awful. She sent me down to the ultra-sound right away. You know it's not good when the tech is quiet. We could see the little baby curled up on the screen, no movement. Little chest was completely still where you should be seeing fluttering. She couldn't get anything on that audio, either. She even tried gently shaking my uterus but no reaction. I should have been 16 weeks and 3 days but baby was only measuring 13 weeks and 5 days. The cramping and spotting were still pretty mild at this point. She told me my options about d&c vs natural miscarriage. She told me to call for pain medication if the pain started getting worse. Tyson and I talked and decided to schedule a d&c for Wednesday morning. By evening the cramping was getting pretty intense. I had called the on call doctor's nurse and they were supposed to fax a script for pain meds to Monticello, I don't know what happened but they never got it. I decided to just wait till morning when the OB's office was open so it would be easier to deal with getting medications. We got the girls in bed and I went to lay down and the pain was getting really hard to deal with. Around 9pm I knew there was no way I could sleep through the pain so I decided I was going to go to the ER and see about getting pain meds. This is where it starts to get graphic, if you want to stop reading.

I went to go use the bathroom before I left and after sitting for a second I suddenly felt a pop and a huge gush. I looked down and the toilet bowl was full of blood and so I couldn't really see the baby but I could see enough to understand the baby had passed and the umbilical cord was still attached to me. I'm not sure how I managed to not freak out, but I called Tyson in and told him what was happening and had him bring me the phone so I could call the on call doctor. I also had him bring me a sieve and plastic sandwich bags because I knew we were going to need to get the baby and as much of the placenta out as we could. Tyson called my friend Elizabeth over after he realized what was happening. Dr. S had told me earlier that if I miscarried at home, the placenta and everything should follow the baby pretty quickly. But nothing was happening so I was concerned. The on call doctor, Dr. G, was very nice and told me to wait about 5 minutes and let gravity work and see if the placenta came. It was probably more like 10 minutes, but I could see some placenta and initially thought it was all out, but then I realized the cord was still attached to me. So, I had to cut the cord. Tyson had to get the baby out of the toilet. Elizabeth, bless her heart, offered to do it so he wouldn't have to, but he felt like he should (or needed) to do it. I caught a glimpse of the baby and started crying (I had been in survival mode up to that point I think, I hadn't cried or reacted emotionally at all). We decided it would be best for Tyson to stay at home in case the little girls woke up, and Elizabeth took me to the ER. I was bleeding very heavy and afraid to walk so she went in to get my a wheelchair.

While she was in I took baby out, I felt like I wanted to be alone to see him (the doctor who looked at the baby was pretty sure it was a boy). I was surprised at how big he was, he could fit in my hand. He was probably 4-6 inches long and looked like a tiny baby. His little body was curled up, I mostly just looked at his face. He had a flat little nose and a tiny little mouth. His eyes were closed and he didn't look dead, just quiet and peaceful. I am glad I got to see him, I don't regret it. It's helpful to have a face to put to the memory of him and it made it feel more real.

The rest is kind of a morphine induced haze. Lots and lots of blood and pain. My veins are hard to get into so I was stabbed all over the place and finally told them to just IV my hand because it's the easiest on me. She tried getting fluids into my arm and it slipped so my arm started swelling up. They transferred me Lafayette because the ER doctor had tried to manually remove the placenta pieces but he could see there was still more in the opening and didn't feel confident in his ability to get it all out safely. Elizabeth stayed with me until the ambulance was on its way to transfer me. I'm glad I got transferred anyway, because getting my baby back from them would have been an issue (I would have had to try to find a funeral home to have the baby released to), this way they sent everything with me and Home Hospital is Catholic ran so . So Dr. G met me there and thankfully was able to remove everything without needing a d and c, but it was still extremely painful, even with all the morphine. But once the big piece came out it was pretty much instant relief. I kept saying "I can't believe how much better I feel!" I felt similar to how I did after Rory was born, I think I was far enough along that the removal of the placenta gave me a hormone rush like after birth. Dr. G was a really sweet lady and said all the right things. The ER nurse was nice but I could tell she was an ER nurse and not use to dealing with 2nd trimester miscarriages, because she kept saying all the things you're not supposed to say to ladies who lose babies. But I just let it slide because I knew she was just nervous and trying to make me feel better.

I could have gone home around 5am but it would have been a pain because of the kids, so they said I could just stay and sleep and Elizabeth watched the girls in the morning so Tyson could come get me. I asked the hospital to send the baby to pathology before burial so hopefully they can find something out. They gave me oxycodone (percocet) for pain so physically I feel okay, but emotionally I feel empty and numb.