Pathology results

I spoke with my OB yesterday, the pathology results were back in. My placenta was normal, one spot of degeneration, but she said that was probably post miscarriage and not a factor. Dominic was chromosomally normal, 46xy (male). He did have a clubbed right foot, but that had nothing to do with the miscarriage. So, basically, no obvious reason why his heart stopped beating.

I see my OB on the 25th for a "post-partum" check, and they'll run some tests on me to make sure there's nothing wrong on my end. But, she said in 60% of cases, they never find a reason for the miscarriage.

Not having a concrete answer doesn't really bother me. Sometimes things just happen, and I accept that. My biggest concern was a hereditary genetic problem, or something that could have been prevented/happen again. That doesn't appear to be the case, so that's a relief. Emotionally though I'm not in a place to get pregnant again any time soon. I feel like I need to get past his due date before I can even think about it.

Stabat Mater

The memorial for the unborn babies that Dominic was included in was on Saturday. It was very touching, and very emotional. My husband and I have been together for 10 years, and it was the first time I've seen him cry (I've seen him tear up before, but never actually cry). I'm glad we went, we took the girls and my mom and my husband's aunt both came, too. It was difficult but it will be nice to have a place to visit.

I've been struggling the last few days with regrets. I wish I had taken a picture of Dominic. I saw him, but only briefly, and I feel like I'm already losing his little face in my memory and it's being replaced with "generic fetal image" in my mind and I hate that. I regret hoping he was going to be another little girl. I never had a desire to have a son, but of course now that's all I want. I keep dreaming about little boys and it seems like I can't get away from the pain, even in my sleep.

The Sorrowful Mother is a devotion I've always been drawn to, but of course it has particular meaning to me now. The Blessed Virgin knows better than anyone the pain of losing a son. I know her mantle is wrapped around me, and I know both my children in Heaven are under her tender care, and that brings me some comfort.

My husband and I went to a miscarriage and infant loss support group last night, which was nice. Pretty much every time I tried to talk I became a blubbering sobbing mess. Which, considering I just miscarried last Monday, is probably pretty normal. But it was nice, and the woman that lead the group gave us a hand-painted memory box to put the ultrasound pictures and other things in (cards we got, the certificate of life from the hospital, things like that). It seemed to really help my 8 year old, she hadn't said much about the baby dying. But the box seems to fascinate her, she keeps looking at it (I told her she could look through it whenever she wanted) and asked if she could put something for him in it. She was also concerned that we don't really have anything to acknowledge the baby we lost last May, so I was able to find of the sympathy cards I was sent to put it (I know I have a couple more, but I put them somewhere "safe" and now I can't remember where that was!)

I mentioned a few weeks ago that when I had the ectopic pregnancy, I had a friend who had an abortion scheduled for the day that I had my surgery and she had canceled it. I posted something on facebook about being upset over losing Dominic, and she said that I saved her baby's life and she hoped that brought some comfort. Wow! Actually, it does, especially since we would have been due around the same time. It's humbling to think that something as simple as reaching out through an email saved a baby's life. And I almost didn't send that email, but I felt very strongly that I needed to witness for life and reach out to her. Thank God I did!

Someone I know due a few weeks before I was went for her 20 week u/s today. I had a mini-break down, that should be me soon, but it's not. I'm glad she's expecting a healthy daughter, but it's hard to watch pregnant women around me go on while I'm left behind. The emptiness is actually physically painful, I'm not surprised at all that some women who miscarry wind up with addictions. (Not that I'm planning on becoming a heroin addict, but I get the need to fill the void and numb the pain).

Update

Thank you for all prayers and condolences. We decided to name our son Dominic, which means "belongs to God." Two miscarriages in 5 months has taken a lot out on me physically and emotionally, and my husband is still pretty shaken up as well, so we've decided that although we both want more children, we're going to wait 6 months to a year before trying again. I'm still waiting to hear back from pathology, I hope they'll be able to give me some answers.

Update

Please don't feel obligated to read this, there are graphic descriptions of second trimester loss. But it's our baby's birth so I feel like I need to write it and have it out there. My body didn't make it to the d&c I had scheduled for this morning and I ended up miscarrying the baby in my bathroom.



Monday morning I went to the OB at 9am for my appointment and told them about the bleeding and cramping. Dr. S tried to find the baby's heartbeat on the doppler but couldn't. The static-y silence was awful. She sent me down to the ultra-sound right away. You know it's not good when the tech is quiet. We could see the little baby curled up on the screen, no movement. Little chest was completely still where you should be seeing fluttering. She couldn't get anything on that audio, either. She even tried gently shaking my uterus but no reaction. I should have been 16 weeks and 3 days but baby was only measuring 13 weeks and 5 days. The cramping and spotting were still pretty mild at this point. She told me my options about d&c vs natural miscarriage. She told me to call for pain medication if the pain started getting worse. Tyson and I talked and decided to schedule a d&c for Wednesday morning. By evening the cramping was getting pretty intense. I had called the on call doctor's nurse and they were supposed to fax a script for pain meds to Monticello, I don't know what happened but they never got it. I decided to just wait till morning when the OB's office was open so it would be easier to deal with getting medications. We got the girls in bed and I went to lay down and the pain was getting really hard to deal with. Around 9pm I knew there was no way I could sleep through the pain so I decided I was going to go to the ER and see about getting pain meds. This is where it starts to get graphic, if you want to stop reading.

I went to go use the bathroom before I left and after sitting for a second I suddenly felt a pop and a huge gush. I looked down and the toilet bowl was full of blood and so I couldn't really see the baby but I could see enough to understand the baby had passed and the umbilical cord was still attached to me. I'm not sure how I managed to not freak out, but I called Tyson in and told him what was happening and had him bring me the phone so I could call the on call doctor. I also had him bring me a sieve and plastic sandwich bags because I knew we were going to need to get the baby and as much of the placenta out as we could. Tyson called my friend Elizabeth over after he realized what was happening. Dr. S had told me earlier that if I miscarried at home, the placenta and everything should follow the baby pretty quickly. But nothing was happening so I was concerned. The on call doctor, Dr. G, was very nice and told me to wait about 5 minutes and let gravity work and see if the placenta came. It was probably more like 10 minutes, but I could see some placenta and initially thought it was all out, but then I realized the cord was still attached to me. So, I had to cut the cord. Tyson had to get the baby out of the toilet. Elizabeth, bless her heart, offered to do it so he wouldn't have to, but he felt like he should (or needed) to do it. I caught a glimpse of the baby and started crying (I had been in survival mode up to that point I think, I hadn't cried or reacted emotionally at all). We decided it would be best for Tyson to stay at home in case the little girls woke up, and Elizabeth took me to the ER. I was bleeding very heavy and afraid to walk so she went in to get my a wheelchair.

While she was in I took baby out, I felt like I wanted to be alone to see him (the doctor who looked at the baby was pretty sure it was a boy). I was surprised at how big he was, he could fit in my hand. He was probably 4-6 inches long and looked like a tiny baby. His little body was curled up, I mostly just looked at his face. He had a flat little nose and a tiny little mouth. His eyes were closed and he didn't look dead, just quiet and peaceful. I am glad I got to see him, I don't regret it. It's helpful to have a face to put to the memory of him and it made it feel more real.

The rest is kind of a morphine induced haze. Lots and lots of blood and pain. My veins are hard to get into so I was stabbed all over the place and finally told them to just IV my hand because it's the easiest on me. She tried getting fluids into my arm and it slipped so my arm started swelling up. They transferred me Lafayette because the ER doctor had tried to manually remove the placenta pieces but he could see there was still more in the opening and didn't feel confident in his ability to get it all out safely. Elizabeth stayed with me until the ambulance was on its way to transfer me. I'm glad I got transferred anyway, because getting my baby back from them would have been an issue (I would have had to try to find a funeral home to have the baby released to), this way they sent everything with me and Home Hospital is Catholic ran so . So Dr. G met me there and thankfully was able to remove everything without needing a d and c, but it was still extremely painful, even with all the morphine. But once the big piece came out it was pretty much instant relief. I kept saying "I can't believe how much better I feel!" I felt similar to how I did after Rory was born, I think I was far enough along that the removal of the placenta gave me a hormone rush like after birth. Dr. G was a really sweet lady and said all the right things. The ER nurse was nice but I could tell she was an ER nurse and not use to dealing with 2nd trimester miscarriages, because she kept saying all the things you're not supposed to say to ladies who lose babies. But I just let it slide because I knew she was just nervous and trying to make me feel better.

I could have gone home around 5am but it would have been a pain because of the kids, so they said I could just stay and sleep and Elizabeth watched the girls in the morning so Tyson could come get me. I asked the hospital to send the baby to pathology before burial so hopefully they can find something out. They gave me oxycodone (percocet) for pain so physically I feel okay, but emotionally I feel empty and numb.

Sad News

I started bleeding and cramping early Sunday morning. I had an OB appointment first thing this morning. Unfortunately the ultrasound showed that our baby quit growing a few weeks ago (I should have been 16w3d, baby was only measuring 13w5d) and no heart beat. So sad to see my little baby curled up on the screen with a still chest where the heart should be fluttering. I'm calling the doctor back around 1pm to schedule a d&c. They can collect everything and do testing, and since it's a Catholic hospital the Sisters of St. Francis will cremate the baby for us. 2nd trimester loss after you've already heard a good heart beat is unusual, I'm hoping they can find some cause as to why this happened. I've felt for the last couple of weeks something wasn't right, I felt like I should be bigger and I wasn't feeling anything I could definitely say was movement (plus, I'd been having a lot of food cravings that suddenly stopped). Since I did have two friends miscarry within a week of each other, my husband said I was probably just nervous because of that. But, I couldn't shake that feeling. I guess I was right :(

In the past week I've had two friends suffer miscarriage. It inevitably brings up the pain from my own loss last May. But it also brought to mind something that happened as I was losing my baby that I haven't shared yet.

Just days before I started having abdominal pain, an online friend who was around 6 weeks pregnant shared that because of issues with emotional abuse from the baby's father, she had scheduled an abortion. I tried to reach out to her with love and compassion and although she was receptive, she was pretty firm that she was going to go through with the abortion. I knew she had previously had a late abortion (20 weeks) that had left her emotionally scarred, so besides the life of the baby, I was concerned what another abortion would do to her mental health. I prayed often for the intercession of Our Lady of Guadalupe, and enlisted some of my Catholic mom friends to pray as well. There wasn't much else I could do.

Her abortion was scheduled for that Thursday morning; I went into the ER Wednesday night. When I came home late Thursday, I discovered that she had canceled her appointment with the abortionist. While I was losing my baby, she was choosing life for hers.

I have faith that Our Lady heard my pleas for intercession. And in some strange way, it softened the blow of losing my baby. My baby had implanted outside my womb; she never had a chance, her loss was inevitable. Her baby DID have a chance, and she gave it to her.

My 3 year old (who will be 4 next month!!) had her last day of developmental pre-school today. I've been talking to her about it for the last couple of days, but I don't really think she understands that school is out for the summer. I expect a mighty temper-tantrum on Monday! She's going to be heartbroken, she absolutely loves school. She loves her bus driver, too, today she was talking about how she was "gonna see my J(bus drivers first initial)" and "I want to sit her lap and drive!" She loves the bus, too bad it's literally about a minute drive to school from our house! She'll be going through another year of developmental pre-school next year. I'm not sure where we'll go from there, but I anticipate that I'll be sending her to Kindergarten there as well. School has been extremely beneficial for her with her disabilities, I don't want to deprive her of that even though it's not terribly convenient for me.

Dd1 did her last 2 math pages today, so she only has 3 lessons left in her spelling book and then we will be done done DONE! I'm going to have her do some addition and subtraction flash cards a few times a week to try and get those basic facts down, and of course we'll continue our weekly library trips. I think we'll just "decompress" next week and then pick up our normal summer activities (lots of hiking and park visits and such!) I had a couple ladies from our co-op who wanted to get together for playdates this summer, too, so I need to set those up at some point.

I've been getting statements from my insurance and I'm trying not to panic (which isn't working, I've already got a huge fever blister on my lip from stress). All told it looks like my share is going to be around 2K (my insurance pays 90%!). Yikes. I've only received one actually bill for around $435 dollars and they told me I had 6 months to pay it or it would go to collections! Geeze! That's 70 bucks a month. I hope the rest of them will go easier on me. If we can make it to tax season I'll be able to pay it all off (though there goes basically our entire return...) It's just a tough time, we're on a very tight budget as we're working to get our debts paid off, there isn't much extra. If we can swing it it will be worth it though in 2.5 years when we have an extra 6 or 700 dollars a month and the only debt we'll have are student loans and the mortgage.

We're having Mass said for the baby we lost on the 14th. Father said we can name the baby if we'd like or he'll just refer to it as "baby Huber." I have a hard time thinking of naming the baby. I didn't know what the sex was and I have zero intuition on that. Dh and I have talked about a gender neutral name but nothing has stuck out yet. It's hard to not want to go and get pregnant right away, too. I know intellectually it won't replace the baby we lost, but emotionally I just don't feel right. I should be pregnant and I'm not and it's weird. But, it's not a good time financially (see above!) and I need time to heal emotionally.

I've been doing okay, thanks to everyone who has been praying for us. I was able to talk my husband into talking to our priest, so our parish was able to give us enough financial help to keep us from completely going under. Thank God for that. Now, of course, the A/C in my van has gone out and the shop wants 1K to fix it. So our options are deal with it and fix it next spring, or trade it in (not easy, we still owe 6K on it). Oh well, small potatoes compared to what I've been dealing with recently!

I met with my Creighton Model instructor, and we're pretty sure I conceived on April 6th and that what thought was my LMP was actually implantation bleeding. That would've had made me due with the baby on December 30th. A little wistful too because April 6th was our 8th wedding anniversary. So at any rate, that puts me farther along than the hospital thought, more like 5 weeks pregnant. My husband told me that after the surgery the doctor told him and my mom that I would have bled to death in my sleep if I hadn't come in, so that's freaked me out some. Still getting tired very easy, but the doctor said it was normal.

Thank you to everyone who has prayed for us, we truly appreciate it!

I'm doing okay. Healing well, though I still get exhausted very easily because of the large amount of blood loss I had. Yesterday I took a shower, did a few dishes, and folded towels and felt like I needed a nap! Trying to take it easy but it's hard, so much to do around here and I'm itching to get it done. The ladies from our homeschooling co-op were kind enough to get together and give us a bunch of dinners, which is a big relief physically but also financially. We're a "paycheck to paycheck" family anyway, and dh missed 24 hours of work because of this (and only had 9 hours of vacation time, 3 hours less than we though). I balanced the check book yesterday when he got paid and we had 40 cents! Of course, they had forgotten to give him the 9 hours of vacation time, and we're still waiting on that. So I'm stressed out about money, but trying to have faith that we'll muddle through as we always do. Just frustrating because every time we're in a good spot and we're on time with our bills and having a little left over for non-necessities, something happens to knock us back down. I've been really trying to encourage dh more and more to go to college and at least get a 2 year degree so he can get a higher paying job. Anyway, that's another post.

Emotionally I'm wavering between calm acceptance and grief and anger. I think that's normal. I can think of many reasons why having another baby right now is not a good idea (obviously money is one of the big reasons) but none of them are nearly strong enough for me to think "it's for the best." It hurts and I want my baby back. I was reading a horrible article about sex-selective abortion in Sweden and some awful woman who killed two of her unborn babies for no other reason but that they were little girls and it made me so sick and angry. It doesn't seem fair. Lots of emotions to work through.

Thank you so much to everyone who has prayed for us and kept us in their thoughts, we truly appreciate it. I am doing okay, though I really need to quit carrying the baby around. But I seem to be healing up okay. It's very hard to "take it easy" when there's so much I can see that needs to be done. Bless my husband, he was able to a few days off work, so he's trying to help, but it's not the same as doing things myself!

Emotionally I'm up and down, but I'm sure my hormones are trying to get back on track which doesn't help. When I was in the ER and they told me I was pregnant I was shocked but also realized that with the amount of pain it was probably not viable. Still I prayed that God would give me the strength to deal with whatever happened, whether it was losing the baby or carrying it and handling having another baby when we are very unready. Having it happen around Mother's Day kind of stinks. I wasn't very far but it was a unique child of ours that can never be replaced and I think I will always look at our family and feel that someone is missing. Watching the girls playing together the other night was hard, feeling that there should be another little one on the way to join in. But I have great comfort in the knowledge that the baby is in Heaven and is our own little Saint in the arms of our Mother Mary. Someday we'll be together.

Sad news

After suffering extremely painful abdominal cramps and mid-cycle spotting for several days, I went to the ER Wednesday evening and wound up being transferred to a larger hospital and having laproscopic surgery for an ectopic pregnancy. The baby had tried to attach in my left fallopian tube and had caused it to rupture, filling my abdomen with almost a liter of blood and clots. I was only a few weeks along, I didn't even know that I was pregnant. The doctor tried cauterizing the rupture fallopian tube 5 times to preserve the fertility of that ovary, but it wouldn't stop bleeding so she had to remove the ruptured part and sew that tub shut (so I've lost fertility in that ovary). I'm thankful my husband made me go to the ER (I tend to blow off my own illnesses and put off going for help) and that I'm okay. But sad for the loss of our baby. I'm asking St. Gerard to pray for me and the baby. Prayers from you are appreciated, too!


I'm sore from the surgery, though not nearly as sore as I was when my abdomen was full of blood. Tired too, but my husband was able to take the rest of the week off to help me (of course he's check will be 12 hours short next week [he only had 12 hours of vacation time, but is missing 24 hours of work] so money will be even tighter than usual, but we'll manage).