Lent officially ends this Thursday with Holy Thursday (or Maundy Thursday), marking the start of my favorite liturgical season; Easter!  I love Holy Week and all the Easter services.  Easter Vigil is my favorite service of the year.  It's even more special this year because my sister in law and her husband are to be received into the Church!  It's something I've prayed for but didn't expect to happen so soon.  My brother in law was raised Methodist (his father is a minister, or whatever the term is for Methodists) and my sister in law has always been a staunch and devoted Christian, but had some serious theological issues with Catholicism.  So when they told us they were going to start attending RCIA classes, I was surprised!  Early Friday morning we're leaving to drive out to Ohio to be there when they're fully received.  We should arrive in time for all the Good Friday services at their parish (though the two little girls are going to spend the weekend with grandma, because they just can't tolerate hours and hours of services).

Easter season is also more meaningful for me on a personal level this year.  I would have been due with Dominic April 9th, just days after Easter Sunday.  Losing a son has sadly given me a unique perspective on the suffering of our Blessed Mother.  She knows so intimately our pain.  She might have been born without the stain of original sin, but she was fully human, and she suffered fully with a human heart.  I know she looks on mothers who have lost children with a special tenderness.

Yikes, it's been a few weeks since I posted! I guess I haven't much been in the mood, I've been having a bit of a pity party for myself. Yesterday was really bad, I was very bratty and angry with God. It kind of got kick-started by realizing I can't buy this used Suburban that's for sale, we just don't have the money. I had planned on paying off the van and a loan this February, then I found out that the loan has a balance twice as high as I had thought. So, just a lot of frustration. When is it enough? How much do I need to suffer? Isn't have a horribly abusive childhood enough of a cross? Isn't being poor enough of a cross? Why did I have to lose two babies on top of everything else? I mean, if the rest of my life is going to suck, can't I at least get a break in the baby department?

People always say that Christ never promised us an easy life, and that's true, but I think many of us still have that little voice inside saying "Hey, I try to be a good Catholic, God owes me!" I know I hear that voice. And then when things don't go my way, I withhold myself from God like a petulant child. I'll refuse to pray or do the rosary, I've even sulked through the table blessing! I'm not sure what I think that's going to accomplish.

I think it really boils down to pride, which gives us a false notion of what we think we deserve. Even if we don't always articulate it, I think many people do have a sense that if they go to church, if they donate time and money, if they really try to be a good Catholic, they deserve something in return. And we do receive graces, of course, but I think many people are thinking in a much more worldly sense (I seriously sat and scratched a lottery ticket the other night while thinking "alright God, you owe me!" I didn't win anything, of course!) I think we also have a tendency to look at people who we see as prospering and assume they're being rewarded.

In reality, we don't deserve anything, none of us. We're sinners. Everything we have is a gift of love. God didn't create us because we deserved to be created, He did it to joyfully share His love with us. Christ didn't suffer the cross because we deserved His sacrifice, He did because of His unyielding love for us and His Father.

My brain is dying out on me now, but add your thoughts :)

Intellectual Conversion

This has been a hard year for us, financially, physically, and emotionally. It's hit me on more than one occasion how important intellectual conversion is. If my conversion had been purely emotional or spiritual, I think I'd be in a very bad place right now.

Faith and emotional conversion are both important. But if that's all we have, what happens when those are tested? It's easy to be a faithful Catholic when you're filled with love of God, but what about the times when you feel lost and forgotten?

My husband works with a man who attends a Pentecostal church that believes in speaking in tongues, where much emphasis is placed on "being filled with the Spirit." As he tells it, jumping around and speaking in tongues proves that you're living a righteous life. That seems like a lot of pressure to me, especially since they expect public displays.

Like a lot of people, I was converted to Christ emotionally first. I had a personal experience that led me to God. But my conversion to Catholicism specifically was much more intellectual. I've read of people having profound moments before the Eucharist that made them convert, or such things, but it wasn't like that for me. Actually, I was pretty resistant. But in reading early church history and Catholic apologetics, Catholicism seemed the only logical choice to me. I wanted to worship God in His way, not mine. Initially it wasn't what I wanted, but of course I grew to love Christ's Church and went through an emotional conversion later.

I think that "intellectual conversion" can sound cold, but it actually brings me a lot of comfort. When I'm suffering and feel emotionally that God is distant or not there at all, I know intellectually that He is, and that my feelings of abandonment will pass. If my belief rested solely on feeling my heart aflame with passion for Christ, I don't know that I could have made it through things like losing Dominic with my faith intact, because I certainly was not thinking about how swell God was while I was miscarrying.

I'm sure I'll have more thoughts on this later!

So I haven't been around the "blogosphere" much lately. My one year old AND my 3.5 year old are both in a very clingy MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY phase right now. Which means that if I do anything other than sit on the couch they (especially the baby) go absolutely ballistic. Needless to say, that makes it difficult to use the computer. Trying to get on the 'net usually starts with them fighting over my lap and ends with the baby trying desperately to crawl around the small compupter desk and throw EVERYTHING on the floor while my 3.5 year old hogs my lap.

I've also been preparing dinner while my 3.5 year old tries to "stir" everything and the baby literally hangs off my leg, screeching at the top of her lungs the whole time. (If only I could figure out how to back carry her in the baby carrier by myself! Alas, it seems I need 2 extra sets of hands to get her safely in).

It's been a little stressful around here.

My Lent has kind of been a bust, sadly. I haven't really done anything I intended to. I attribute a lot of that to the fact that I've been struggling with creeping depression. I had very, very serious problems with depression when I was younger and it's not something I've felt in many years, so it's thrown me off guard and makes me feel very anxious (I can still very vididly recall the dark emptiness I felt for so long, and it's not something I ever want to feel again).

I'm hoping that with the weather warming up we'll be able to get outside (I hate being cooped up indoors, unless I'm reading) and my mood will improve. Prayers are always apppreciated, too.

I let my 3.5 year old nap on my lap while I typed this, now my right leg and rear end are asleep and she'll probably stay up till 10 or 11 tonight! Ah, well.

Surrendering

I sometimes (okay often times) feel like there's a huge discrepancy between the mother I want to be and the mother I actually am, and the childhood I want my children to have and what I'm actually giving them. To some extent I can blame this on the pervasive "supermom" myth and agree that in many ways I'm not different than any other mother. But I don't think that's always true, and those are the times that worry me. Although I've never felt I posed a danger to my children or crossed the line to abuse, too many times I really toed that line, which is painful and embarrassing to admit. I can certainly blame much of that on my abusive childhood, but at 26 and with 3 children, I also have to recognize that whatever factors might contribute to my anger, ultimately I decided how to act.

Unfortunately what I usually do is think about all the ways in which I'm a lousy mother and throw a pity party for myself, vow (sincerely) to do better, and then find myself right back in "angry screaming mom mode." I know that when I feel myself going there I need to stop and pray, but normally I'm already gone and then I'm too angry to "offer it up" to God and ask for His help and too ashamed to pray Hail Mary. So it's usually a depressing cycle.

So today when the kids were stressing me out and I felt myself going into "angry screaming mom mode" I stopped and got my 7 year old and we sat down on the couch while the little ones played and prayed the rosary together. She cuddled up next to me and kissed me on the cheek and more than once I got choked up at the loving and calming presence the Lord can have in my life when I humble myself to Him and the cross.

I don't think it's an understatement to say that God's love and mercy can be radicalizing and life-altering if we open ourselves up to Him and His presence. I know that if I took every moment when my anger was simmering to sit and pray and ask for strength and guidance, not only would my life be dramatically different, but so would my children's lives, and my husband's life.


Jesus, You willing carried Your Cross for love of Your Father and all people. Grant me forbearance and patience to carry my cross in difficult moments. Amen.

Sometimes it amazes me how when my life realistically isn't going so hot, I feel even closer to God. For example, money is a big source of strain on me right now but I can't even be too caught up in it (and oddly enough, I feel an urge to tithe more the weeks I have less). All I can think is how blessed I am, how glorious God is, and grateful I am to Him for what He's done for me. He truly is my rock and my strength.

I really do think that Catholics have a unique and under appreciated perspective on suffering. I'll write more on that later, maybe, right now I need to head on out the door.