December 18, 2009

Yikes, it's been a few weeks since I posted! I guess I haven't much been in the mood, I've been having a bit of a pity party for myself. Yesterday was really bad, I was very bratty and angry with God. It kind of got kick-started by realizing I can't buy this used Suburban that's for sale, we just don't have the money. I had planned on paying off the van and a loan this February, then I found out that the loan has a balance twice as high as I had thought. So, just a lot of frustration. When is it enough? How much do I need to suffer? Isn't have a horribly abusive childhood enough of a cross? Isn't being poor enough of a cross? Why did I have to lose two babies on top of everything else? I mean, if the rest of my life is going to suck, can't I at least get a break in the baby department?

People always say that Christ never promised us an easy life, and that's true, but I think many of us still have that little voice inside saying "Hey, I try to be a good Catholic, God owes me!" I know I hear that voice. And then when things don't go my way, I withhold myself from God like a petulant child. I'll refuse to pray or do the rosary, I've even sulked through the table blessing! I'm not sure what I think that's going to accomplish.

I think it really boils down to pride, which gives us a false notion of what we think we deserve. Even if we don't always articulate it, I think many people do have a sense that if they go to church, if they donate time and money, if they really try to be a good Catholic, they deserve something in return. And we do receive graces, of course, but I think many people are thinking in a much more worldly sense (I seriously sat and scratched a lottery ticket the other night while thinking "alright God, you owe me!" I didn't win anything, of course!) I think we also have a tendency to look at people who we see as prospering and assume they're being rewarded.

In reality, we don't deserve anything, none of us. We're sinners. Everything we have is a gift of love. God didn't create us because we deserved to be created, He did it to joyfully share His love with us. Christ didn't suffer the cross because we deserved His sacrifice, He did because of His unyielding love for us and His Father.

My brain is dying out on me now, but add your thoughts :)


Angie @ Many Little Blessings said...

I always like to think that God never gives me what I deserve. If He did, He would probably drop kick me across the room. So, any day I don't get drop kicked across the room, I try to count myself ahead of what I deserve.

Sure, there are things that happen that feel like being drop kicked, but any time I feel too bad about something happening to me, I try to remember that there are people in this world that would kill for what I have.

Every time I think about not having enough money, I try to think that there are people who have nothing to eat at all (or even that there are people who eat dirt cookies). No home, no running water, only the clothing they have on, etc. This is not meant to sound holier than thou, trust me -- money is a huge concern for us. I only say it because it is also a struggle that I work on working through.

Stephanie B. said...

you've captured it. i am the same. but my whiny paragraph goes on and on longer. someone even said to me when i was pregnant that surely i've been disappointed enough, it wouldn't happen again. i really believed it.
i heard recently on the radio (when i was just scanning stations) that god is there for us when we do bad things to him, to others, sinning. so why are we not there for him when he allows bad things to happen to us?
all i can say is that i'm trying. but it hurts too much.

Shelley said...

I think part of your angst relates to the fact that Christians in the United States are affected by the Protestant evangelical notion of "health and wealth" or the Prosperity Gospel or whatever you want to call it.

There are so many famous "evangelists" out there on television and in book stores, speaking, preaching and writing about this doctrine (which is an obvious false teaching) that I don't think we can help but be affected by it, even if we don't believe it.

jana said...

I started typing a comment, but decided to write on my own blog instead. It's been neglected for a long time. I just wanted to let you know that I hear you. I really, really do. I think it's really important to let yourself feel these feelings even though you know it's not where you want to end up.

Here's the post you inspired, and I will keep you in my prayers:

Anne Marie said...

Hi Katie:

I don't have anything much to add, just stopped by to say hi.

Praying that 2010 will be an easier year for us all.