Yikes, it's been a few weeks since I posted! I guess I haven't much been in the mood, I've been having a bit of a pity party for myself. Yesterday was really bad, I was very bratty and angry with God. It kind of got kick-started by realizing I can't buy this used Suburban that's for sale, we just don't have the money. I had planned on paying off the van and a loan this February, then I found out that the loan has a balance twice as high as I had thought. So, just a lot of frustration. When is it enough? How much do I need to suffer? Isn't have a horribly abusive childhood enough of a cross? Isn't being poor enough of a cross? Why did I have to lose two babies on top of everything else? I mean, if the rest of my life is going to suck, can't I at least get a break in the baby department?
People always say that Christ never promised us an easy life, and that's true, but I think many of us still have that little voice inside saying "Hey, I try to be a good Catholic, God owes me!" I know I hear that voice. And then when things don't go my way, I withhold myself from God like a petulant child. I'll refuse to pray or do the rosary, I've even sulked through the table blessing! I'm not sure what I think that's going to accomplish.
I think it really boils down to pride, which gives us a false notion of what we think we deserve. Even if we don't always articulate it, I think many people do have a sense that if they go to church, if they donate time and money, if they really try to be a good Catholic, they deserve something in return. And we do receive graces, of course, but I think many people are thinking in a much more worldly sense (I seriously sat and scratched a lottery ticket the other night while thinking "alright God, you owe me!" I didn't win anything, of course!) I think we also have a tendency to look at people who we see as prospering and assume they're being rewarded.
In reality, we don't deserve anything, none of us. We're sinners. Everything we have is a gift of love. God didn't create us because we deserved to be created, He did it to joyfully share His love with us. Christ didn't suffer the cross because we deserved His sacrifice, He did because of His unyielding love for us and His Father.
My brain is dying out on me now, but add your thoughts :)